Fumbling

I've been trying to get a schedule put together for myself, as I tend to waste lots of time if I don't plot out my day in advance. At the moment, I find myself sitting with my laptop trying to conjure words to write. I am having quite a bit of difficulty, so I decided to blog rather than work on fiction at the moment.

As anyone who knows me or who reads this blog knows, I'm a very pessimistic and depressive sort of person. It is just naturally how my mood, thoughts, and personality tend to drift. I try to counter it with positive thinking when I am less stressed out by life.

However, at times like the past few weeks, the thought of staying positive or, heaven forbid, having an "attitude of gratitude" makes me want to punch someone in the face. I have trouble keeping focused on optimistic, self help type mantras, as they feel very cheesy and counter to my personality.

I know that I am mainly the one suffering from my depression and fixation on all things shitty in life, but I also know that it affects my family and close friends. Still, I can't quite get over my moods and myself. I am trying to do things that make me feel good about myself, mainly exercising and eating right, but it just isn't enough.

I remember shit that has happened that really upsets me. I internally rail at the horrible injustices of the world. I get filled with self-righteous indignation. I wish I were happy and optimistic, but then I just say, "What the hell is the point?"

For me, at least in this phase of my life, religion isn't an answer. It feels like a fake concept meant to explain all of the awful things that happen in life. A shining beacon to reach for because without it we all just live and die; the good are not rewarded, the bad not punished. There is no spiritual justice without it.

But I can't get over the lack of logic, the improbability, and the faith necessary. I don't have it in me. I don't know if I really want to. At times it is certainly tempting. And I'm not trying to demean what it is for other people; I'm merely stating how it appears to me at this point in time.

I think most people have been dealt some really awful things in life that they did nothing to deserve. And I think most people have also made some awful decisions to bring additional problems to their lives. Still, overall, it doesn't seem fair. I know life isn't fair. But what is life? What is the point if we are here for a brief ephemeral existence that ends in a finality of eternal nothingness?

On a different topic, I feel like I base my long term goals and actions around the needs of others. What do I really want? And why do I feel selfish for wanting to pursue things that are strictly for me? Why do I feel like I shouldn't put so much time and energy into exercise and eating right because I should be more focused on the people in my life, particularly my children?

I feel like there isn't enough me left for me. I feel like I try to please other people and be there for them, but that there isn't really much me left over at the end. And I feel guilty for thinking this. Why should I have things just for me? What is the point other than selfishness? But without interests and time for me I won't have anything to give to others.

I'm just tired of struggling with life. I am exhausted both mentally and physically. I feel done.