Sunday, November 20, 2011

More Fun With Depression!

Another thing that I've been doing lately is being a complete smart ass in my head. I often refrain from saying the things I think, because I know I'm in a bad mood and nothing productive will come from me airing my unfiltered thoughts.

Sometimes no provocation is needed. I've just become a very sarcastic, snarky, mean spirited person in my mind. It's almost a compulsion. I don't even think or plan out my thoughts on this subject; rather they "pop" into my head. This could be my OCD (which yes, a doctor did tell me I have mild OCD, so I'm not trying to be witty or something by attributing my bitchiness to a diagnosis I don't have). Usually it is very disturbing images that pop unbidden into my mind, but I suppose that sarcastic and/or mean remarks compulsively popping into my head could be a part of that as well.

Anyway, here's one remark that popped into my head today. Someone I know posted a comment on Facebook about how they'd "get a babysitter for that", as if she would only get a babysitter on a rare occasion or for really important events. I thought to myself, "Oh, like the time you got a babysitter to go fuck a guy you'd met a couple of times?" Because that's important, my friends. It shows strong character and parental skills. She even had someone to come over and dye her hair. Because we all know that a dude who wants sex from you will really give a damn about whether or not your roots are showing.

My mind then creates other dialogue, in a bit of a southern accent, "I won't leave my baby for just anything. It's gots to be real important like. Mommy needs her sex. That's my 'me' time. I gotta take care of me baby."

Ah, I'm just a jerk. What can I say? A bitter, sad jerk.

So Very Tired

Despite the fact that I've been sleeping a lot lately, I remain tired. I've opted for sleep over many things that I could have or should have been doing the past couple of weeks. Instead of going to the gym many mornings, I slept (though to give myself some credit, some of the time I was feeling horribly sick). Instead of running errands, cleaning the house, looking for work, or doing college assignments, I slept.

Now, you may be thinking, "Geez, you're a lazy ass," or "Why are you complaining about sleeping so much," or some other thought along those lines (or not, I can't predict everything one might think). Regardless, I'm talking about sleeping so much because I have no will to do anything else lately. I don't want to do anything. So I sit on the couch like a lump until I get sleepy and pass out. Then I'll sleep for hours. Even if I slept all night, I can just about sleep all day.

I have no will to move or do anything. I think about moving, but I don't do it. Even if I'm uncomfortable from being in the same position for so long, I don't move. I just think, "Ow. My back (arm, leg, etc.) really hurts. If I shift my weight or get up and move it'll stop." Then I sit or lie there until I fall back asleep.

I'm pretty broke, having just lost my main source of income and all. I'm depressed about life in general. For many of my problems I don't know what to do to fix them. So I simply exist, taking up space.

I can function, albeit it very slowly and by doing only the minimal amount of action. After wasting most of my day with sleep a sort of anxious panic sets in. I freak out that I've wasted time. Valuable time that I can never get back. Then I go into a sort of hyper state of running around doing as much as I can.

Then, at the end of the day, I vow not to do it again tomorrow. Guess how that story ends. If you guessed I do the same damn thing the next day, you're right.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Wishy Washy

If I'm certain of one thing about myself it is this: that I can be quite wishy washy. If I were a politician I'm sure accusations of waffling would be heavy in the early days of my campaign.

Part of it is depression, I think. Perhaps a very large part of it. I feel like my resolve and determination can be quite high at moments (perhaps a bit unrealistic even), only to have it all fade away into despair. Quite often these two states occur at least once in the same day.

It is frustrating. I feel like I can't rely on myself to keep focus on long term goals and aspirations due to this. I can meet short term goals, but I often second guess and doubt myself when I have to endure through longer periods of time before reaching my goal. I lose my confidence and resolve.

Some might just say that I'm lazy, unmotivated, or a whiner. Admittedly, I'm all of these things to some degree some of the time. However, I feel like my brain chemistry is stacked against me or something. I know life is hard and at times it will get harder. But I feel like it's maybe just a bit harder than it should be.