Sunday, December 18, 2011

Why Vajazzling Makes Sense for Women

I sometimes think I live in the wrong socio-economic class. I mean, I love sparkly crystals. I'm sure I could use these totally useful items:

Swarovski Crystal crusted toilet (a steal at $130,000!)

$1500 Etch-a-Sketch--covered in, you guessed it-- Swarovski crystals

So, I was thinking: it was only logical that we (I'm speaking for ALL women here) started putting these shiny bits on our vaginas. I mean, really! If an Etch-a-Sketch is normally only worth about $7-$18 and a toilet is normally about $100-$600, think about the mark up the crystals would add to my vagina! If an $18 Etch-a-Sketch becomes a $1500 product, and a $600 toilet becomes a $130,000 product... You see where I'm going with this.

If I had to place a value on my vagina, I can instantly increase that figure by roughly 83 to 216 percent! Think about it ladies, where else are we guaranteed that kind of return? And I don't see why it can't work for guys as well. Though I'm guessing they might be a little more squeamish about such things (bunch of wussies!).

You generally either pay for a Brazilian wax and get a free Vajazzle thrown in or you pay up to $100. (Yep, I learned that from the Vajazzling FAQ page! Yep, there is indeed such a page)

Take your time ladies. But in this economy, can you afford NOT to get Vajazzled?!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

More Fun With Depression!

Another thing that I've been doing lately is being a complete smart ass in my head. I often refrain from saying the things I think, because I know I'm in a bad mood and nothing productive will come from me airing my unfiltered thoughts.

Sometimes no provocation is needed. I've just become a very sarcastic, snarky, mean spirited person in my mind. It's almost a compulsion. I don't even think or plan out my thoughts on this subject; rather they "pop" into my head. This could be my OCD (which yes, a doctor did tell me I have mild OCD, so I'm not trying to be witty or something by attributing my bitchiness to a diagnosis I don't have). Usually it is very disturbing images that pop unbidden into my mind, but I suppose that sarcastic and/or mean remarks compulsively popping into my head could be a part of that as well.

Anyway, here's one remark that popped into my head today. Someone I know posted a comment on Facebook about how they'd "get a babysitter for that", as if she would only get a babysitter on a rare occasion or for really important events. I thought to myself, "Oh, like the time you got a babysitter to go fuck a guy you'd met a couple of times?" Because that's important, my friends. It shows strong character and parental skills. She even had someone to come over and dye her hair. Because we all know that a dude who wants sex from you will really give a damn about whether or not your roots are showing.

My mind then creates other dialogue, in a bit of a southern accent, "I won't leave my baby for just anything. It's gots to be real important like. Mommy needs her sex. That's my 'me' time. I gotta take care of me baby."

Ah, I'm just a jerk. What can I say? A bitter, sad jerk.

So Very Tired

Despite the fact that I've been sleeping a lot lately, I remain tired. I've opted for sleep over many things that I could have or should have been doing the past couple of weeks. Instead of going to the gym many mornings, I slept (though to give myself some credit, some of the time I was feeling horribly sick). Instead of running errands, cleaning the house, looking for work, or doing college assignments, I slept.

Now, you may be thinking, "Geez, you're a lazy ass," or "Why are you complaining about sleeping so much," or some other thought along those lines (or not, I can't predict everything one might think). Regardless, I'm talking about sleeping so much because I have no will to do anything else lately. I don't want to do anything. So I sit on the couch like a lump until I get sleepy and pass out. Then I'll sleep for hours. Even if I slept all night, I can just about sleep all day.

I have no will to move or do anything. I think about moving, but I don't do it. Even if I'm uncomfortable from being in the same position for so long, I don't move. I just think, "Ow. My back (arm, leg, etc.) really hurts. If I shift my weight or get up and move it'll stop." Then I sit or lie there until I fall back asleep.

I'm pretty broke, having just lost my main source of income and all. I'm depressed about life in general. For many of my problems I don't know what to do to fix them. So I simply exist, taking up space.

I can function, albeit it very slowly and by doing only the minimal amount of action. After wasting most of my day with sleep a sort of anxious panic sets in. I freak out that I've wasted time. Valuable time that I can never get back. Then I go into a sort of hyper state of running around doing as much as I can.

Then, at the end of the day, I vow not to do it again tomorrow. Guess how that story ends. If you guessed I do the same damn thing the next day, you're right.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Wishy Washy

If I'm certain of one thing about myself it is this: that I can be quite wishy washy. If I were a politician I'm sure accusations of waffling would be heavy in the early days of my campaign.

Part of it is depression, I think. Perhaps a very large part of it. I feel like my resolve and determination can be quite high at moments (perhaps a bit unrealistic even), only to have it all fade away into despair. Quite often these two states occur at least once in the same day.

It is frustrating. I feel like I can't rely on myself to keep focus on long term goals and aspirations due to this. I can meet short term goals, but I often second guess and doubt myself when I have to endure through longer periods of time before reaching my goal. I lose my confidence and resolve.

Some might just say that I'm lazy, unmotivated, or a whiner. Admittedly, I'm all of these things to some degree some of the time. However, I feel like my brain chemistry is stacked against me or something. I know life is hard and at times it will get harder. But I feel like it's maybe just a bit harder than it should be.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Day #30- Freddie's Vocal Range

I can't attest to the accuracy of the labeled notes that he is hitting in these clips, but it is awesome enough to hear the different sounds he makes. I freaking love Freddie Mercury!!!

Freddie Day # 29- Freddie Screw Up? Never!

This is kind of funny. Freddie and Queen nerds will appreciate it. A compilation of screwed up lyrics, notes, etc. from Queen's live performances.

Freddie Day #28- This is What Happens When Freddie Sees a Penguin Poop

This is a video of part of the making of the "I'm Going Slightly Mad" video, which was made not that long before Freddie died.

Freddie Mercury Day # 27- In Case You Somehow Missed It, Here's Freddie's Google Doodle

It's Been a While... Freddie Mercury Day # 26!

Depression and life have a way of interrupting my blog homage to Freddie Mercury's awesomeness. What else is new?

Including this post, I have four more Freddie posts to do. I'll try to find some good stuff. Obscure stuff. ;)

In the mean time, this is a pic of my Freddie Mercury costume prototype. I was waiting to receive my Flash shirt still. I have it now, and I will be getting a better mustache. Then my poor man's (well, woman's) Freddie costume will be complete. I will be wearing it to do a Halloween CrossFit workout at CrossFit Reynoldsburg this coming Saturday. Yay!

Who would've imagined Freddie and Charles Manson partying together? Not I.

What lady doesn't love Freddie? A dumb one, I tell you!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Happy 65th Birthday, Freddie Mercury!

Today would've been Freddie's 65th birthday. I wonder what sort of awesome music he'd be making if he were still here.

I saw some really dumb responses to a post on Facebook about what artist alive today is most like Freddie. Before I even read the posts I knew some dumbasses would write "Lady Gaga". Just because she derived her name from "Radio Gaga" because she and her boyfriend/manager at the time fancied her to be vocally like Freddie does not mean she is anything like him.

Her style isn't like his. Sure, he wore some weird ass outfits and costumes, but he did it as an artist. If he was walking through an airport or shopping he wasn't baring his hairy chest and crown, with the British flag draped about his shoulders. He often wore sweats or jeans and a T-shirt. Lady Gaga, on the other hand, dresses to attract attention both on and off the stage.

Freddie, by accounts from those who knew him best, was an intensely private person. Gaga, not so much.

She writes songs to court controversy in the name of bringing awareness to inequality and bigotry.

Freddie left his sexuality ambiguous for a while before he publicly started frequenting gay night clubs in the late 70's/early 80's.

Oh, and his vocal range totally beats Lady Gaga's hands down.

From a subjective perspective, I feel that he is far superior to her lyrically. He had serious lyrics and silly, playful lyrics as well.

Lady Gaga, in my opinion, goes for pop-safe, catchy beats and dance backdrops to ensure radio play and popularity. Lyrics aren't her strong suit, in my opinion. And yes, Freddie is my favorite singer and artist of all time, so anyone I compare to him will not best him in my mind. However, some artists can hold their own against him based on skill. Lady Gaga sure as hell isn't one of them. (And who the hell thought to post Kesha as the artist most like Freddie?! I'm hoping it was someone under the age of 14!)

Anyway, love him or not, happy birthday Freddie!

I'll repost my favorite motivational-style poster pic of him, simply because it's awesome.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Oops! I've Certainly Fallen Off the Bandwagon...

I have five days of Freddie left due for my 30 days of Freddie (which I am woefully behind on, but I will finish it at some point). But I don't really feel like writing about Freddie right at this moment.

I'm feeling really disconnected lately. I feel like everything in my life is confusing and disrupted. I feel like there is chaos, disorganization, discontent, and confusion. I'm not very happy.

I'm trying to change things, but it is difficult. Money is really tight, my emotions are raw, and I'm mentally drained. I'm uncertain of my future and I'm tired of feeling this way.

Just felt like venting a bit.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Freddie #25: Mustapha

A lot of casual Queen fans and non-Queen fans (if such a thing truly exists!), may have never heard the song Mustapha. It is from the Jazz album, which didn't fare as well in the US as A Night at the Opera, A Day at the Races, and News of the World (the albums immediately preceding Jazz).

Anyway, it is an interesting song that seems to draw on Freddie's childhood in Zanzibar and India.

Freddie #24- NPR's Special, "Rock'N'Roll's Humble Showman"

Here is a link to a nice story NPR did for their 50 Great Voices segment.

Here is a small excerpt:

Lambert, as an openly gay performer, says he owes a debt to Mercury's flamboyance decades ago.

"There's definitely something missing in today's music scene," he says. "We don't have a lot of men on stage doing flamboyant or theatrical. We have a lot of female pop stars doing it, but where are the guys? Where's the classic pop-rock showman?"

Freddie Mercury Post 23: Epic Lyrics and Hilarious Ad-libbing

I think Freddie was the best lyricist in Queen, which is not to malign the skills of the others. Come on, can many lyricists fare well when compared to Freddie?

Anyway, off the top of my head, here are a couple of the funniest ad-lib lyrics I can think of:

"Bring on the girls! Come on, come on, come on!" -from "Princes of the Universe"

"Shorty, all right" -from "Don't Stop Me Now"

And here are some of my favorite Freddie lyrics:

I can dim the lights and sing you songs full of sad things
We can do the tango just for two
I can serenade and gently play on your heart strings
Be your Valentino just for you -from "Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy"

Oh how wrong can you be
Oh to fall in love
Was my very first mistake
How was I to know
I was far too much in love to see

Jealousy, look at me now
Jealousy, you got me somehow
You gave me no warning
Took me by surprise
Jealousy, you lead me on

You couldn't lose
You couldn't fail
You had suspicion on my trail
How, how, how, oh my jealousy
I wasn't man enough
To let you hurt my pride
Now I'm only left with my own jealousy -from "Jealousy"

Recommended at the price
Insatiable an appetite
Wanna try? -from "Killer Queen"

I am forever searching high and low
But why does everybody tell me no
Neptune of the seas have you an answer for me please
The lily of the valley doesn't know -from "Lily of the Valley"

Well I've loved a million women
In a belladonic haze
And I ate a million dinners
Brought to me on silver trays
Give me ev'rything I need
To feed my body and my soul -from "Keep Yourself Alive"

I like way more than just those, but I tried to pick some that would be a representative sample. :)

Freddie #22- My Favorite Track from Barcelona

This is my favorite track from the album that Freddie did with Montserrat Caballe, called "The Fallen Priest".

Awesome vocals. Haunting music. Epicness.

Oh So Far Behind! Day 21 of Freddie Mercury

Here's a blog about how Freddie was the Dostoyevsky of Music!

Here is an excerpt from the blog:

 His songs had most diverse kind of lyrics and it was a mixture of music, ideas and philosophies of Rene Descartes Jean Jack Russo, Goethe, Friedrich Nietzsche, Jean Paul Sartre, Albert Camus, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Little Richard and  Jimi Hendrix. Most of his songs were inspired by magic and fantasy. But he spoke of deep philosophy through  his music. 
 In the song, My fairy King Freddie Mercury comes with a classic prose and poetry that narrates a fantasy land. Although the situation imagined and it does not correspond with reality, it expresses the desire and aims of the singer to detach from the realism.   
 In the land where horses born with eagle wings
And honey bees have lost their stings
There’s singing forever to you
Lions den with fallow deer
And rivers made from wines so clear
Flow on and on forever
Dragons fly like sparrows thru’ the air
And baby lambs where Samson dares
To go on"

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

A Freddie Mercury Intermission: Bad Moods

I've fallen behind a bit on my Freddie Mercury blogging goal; I intend to remedy this within the next couple of days. In the mean time, if you really hate reading/listening to people bitch and complain, stop reading here.

I'm sick and tired of having so many ups and downs. For a bit of each day I will feel fine (or my version of fine, which is not really "fine" at all if you go by the definition). Then the following feelings will come in no particular order: anxiety, sadness, a deeper sadness, anger, annoyance, irritability and worthlessness. Potentially a mild panic attack may also occur.

Some days are better than others, of course, with more time spent feeling "fine". Certain weekdays are particularly bad for me. I don't know why with any certainty. But look out for extra online bitching and whining on Thursdays and Fridays.

I'm so tired of it. It's making my OCD worse. By that I don't mean washing my hands or checking locks obsessively. I mean dark, hurtful imagery that pops into my mind unbidden. And repeatedly. Very disturbing images. If you've experienced it you'll know what I mean. If you haven't you might think I'm either a freak or an extra big whiner. (I mean if it's not a gaping wound or horrid disease I should just shut up and quit complaining right?!)

The past few months have been extra stressful for me. I am trying to work through my issues, but I know that I haven't been doing it in the best possible way. It's hard when I feel like I can't rely on myself to have my own best interests at heart.

I get angry and I want to lash out at those who are close to me, particularly if I feel that they have contributed to my stress. All that accomplishes is alienating myself, hating myself for feeling petty/vengeful, and causing those close to me stress and/or grief. I'm sick of it.

However, if I try to hold it in or ignore it, it boils over and eats at me from the inside. I've tried talking to those I'm angry with, and while I might feel better while talking to them there is no real resolution to my issues. I wish I could just walk away from everything, but that's not possible.

I think most of all I am angry and disappointed in myself. I like to think of myself as a nice and understanding person, but my actions don't always measure up to that. That only furthers my feelings of self loathing and worthlessness.

I know I'm not the only one with problems, both emotional and otherwise, but that doesn't diminish my daily struggle. Sure, I appreciate that things could be worse. But does that mean that my problems are nothing? People tell me to think of the good things I have going for me, but that doesn't negate the problems I have. I know they mean well and want me to be happy, but I also feel like they are just tired of hearing me complain. They just want me to be happy. Honestly, I don't know how to just be happy. I don't know that it is that simple.

Not to say that I don't have happy times, because I do. They are just interspersed between lots of negative feelings. The cycles of feelings are what exhaust me so much. I just want to be content. To hell with happy. I'll leave that for when I've been content long enough to slide into boredom. (Don't want to aim too high!)

I really feel like doing mean and angry things right now. I want to piss people off. I want to make them hurt. I'm tired of taking everything to heart when others can just walk away from a situation and carry on like nothing happened (well, I know that isn't totally true, but I seem to have more trouble letting go than others do; not their fault, but they don't always take my feelings into account when doing shit that affects me).

I'm just tired of it. I wish I could just not care. I don't want to care any more. It hasn't gotten me much thus far. I'm just not like that. Yet. I feel myself becoming more apathetic and detached at times. I know that's not a healthy goal, but I'm sick of emotional pain. I'm sick of being sick of it.

If you've survived this far into my emotionally immature rant, thanks (I guess; maybe I'm sorry would be more appropriate).

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Freddie Day 20: Shout Out to Another Freddie Blogger

I found a blog post with the title: "I'm in Love with My Car: My Masculine Relationship With Freddie Mercury". Never mind that that song was written by Roger Taylor; cars play a role in the post. Still, with a title like that I had to read on. According to the site it was published back in 1999. 

Here is a link to the blog. 

And here is an excerpt: 

Guess what was proudly taped on the inside of the toughest kid's locker? You got it: a centerfold poster from Circus of Freddie Mercury in a silver lame, spandex leotard, cut down to his pubic hair in the front and ass in the back, with the piece de resistance, a pair of pink ballet slippers.

Now, today, a kid in the same circumstances as the toughest kid (working class, willfully unintelligent, abusive, infamous bully) wouldn't dream of hanging something like that in a public place. But in the 70's? Honestly, he didn't know any better, and neither did I, nor did a lot of people. Freddie seemed a bit effeminate? That he did. And he kicked ass on songs like "Now I'm' Here" or "Death on Two Legs."

Day 19: Alaskan High School Choir Told They Couldn't Sing "Bohemian Rhapsody" Because Freddie Was Gay

Hmm. Not really sure why it matters if a singer/song writer is gay. I hope they don't play Gary Glitter in Alaskan, seeing how he's a pedophile and all.

Anyway, here is a link to the article: Freddie Mercury Too Gay for Wasilla.

Here is a small excerpt from the article:

"In the fairy tale kingdom that Sarah Palin built, there are no fairies.

According to the Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman of Wasilla, the members of Wasilla High School’s symphonic jazz choir found out on Friday they wouldn’t be singing the popular Queen hit “Bohemian Rhapsody” (from 1975′s A Night at the Opera) after all at this year’s graduation ceremony. Not because after working on it all year they couldn’t get a grip on the complex tune, but because…well, Freddie Mercury was gay."

Several Days Late, But Here's Day 18! House of Rock

How did I not know about House of Rock until today?! Freddie, John Denver, Notorious B.I.G., John Lennon, and Kurt Cobain all share a house in limbo. Before John Lennon joined in season 2, Mark Bolan lived in the house.

Anyway, here are some links to a couple of episodes. I don't think it'll be every Freddie fan's cup of tea, but I found it funny. Freddie is a very exaggerated character and much snarkier than the real Freddie. Still entertaining though.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Day 17: Freddie's Outrageous Outfits

Freddie wore some awesome outfits and costumes over the years. He was lean and (in my opinion) sexy, so he could pull off just about anything.

Here are some pics with him in a variety of outfits and costumes. Enjoy his awesomeness!

Monday, July 11, 2011

Freddie Mercury Day Sixteen: Freddie, as Featured in The Art of Manliness

Now that I've covered some of the more obvious topics about Freddie (how awesome he is, pop culture, cool pics, interesting quotes, etc.), I've been searching the internet for ideas of what to post about.

Today I found a cool blog called The Art of Manliness. A link to the full story is here.

Here is an excerpt of the page about Freddie Mercury:

...Of Glam, Freddie Mercury said in 1973, “We’re confident people will take to us, because although the camp image has already been established by people like Bowie and Bolan, we are taking it to another level. The concept of Queen is to be regal and majestic. Glamour is part of us and we want to be dandy. We want to shock and be outrageous instantly.”

Mercury was special. In the beginning, he experimented with bi-sexuality before fully embracing his homosexuality. “I’m as gay as a daffodil, my dear!” he once said. Freddie sang with an amazingly powerful voice with an astonishing range, wrote classic generational anthems, and rocked and inspired millions of people. Sadly, he was also one of the first famous people that AIDS took from us.

The post was written by Leah Morrigan.

I think it is an interesting take on Freddie Mercury's influence and how different people viewed him.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Day 15 of Freddie Mercury: Another Funny Freddie Poster

This image is from, which makes "demotivational" posters. :) It's nice to know there are other people out there that know how awesome Freddie is too!

Day 14 of Freddie Mercury: Live Recording of "When This Tired Old Body Wants to Sing"

Interesting recording with lots of nice pics of Freddie. I found this on YouTube last week and really enjoyed it.

Freddie Mercury Day 13: Very Judgemental Religious Take on Freddie's Life

I'm not bashing religion here; just this particular page that uses Freddie's homosexuality and false religion to explain why he got AIDS.  His parents raised him as Zoroastrian. Yep, no religion but the writer's religion could possibly be true. *wink, wink*

Anyway, Freddie was above this kind of nonsense. I don't think it would have gotten to him much, if at all. I, on the other hand, find it both offensive and kind of hilarious at the same time. The arguments they pose are spurious at best, and they are all based on the writer's beliefs rather than any kind of facts.

Anyway, here is an excerpt of the hate-mongering website's take on Freddie Mercury's "tragic life" (which is listed under the heading The Spirit of Sodomy):

"The end-times spirit of Sodom was also evident in the events surrounding THE DEATH OF FREDDIE MERCURY (real name Frederick Bulsara), lead singer for the rock group Queen. Mercury was bi-sexual, and the group flaunted immorality and rebellion against biblical laws. Many of Queen's hard-rocking songs perennially remain popular rock anthems in sports stadiums and other forums. These include "We Will Rock You," "We Are Champions," and "Another One Bites the Dust." Their song "We Are the Champions" is an unofficial anthem of the homosexual liberation movement. Many of their songs are filthy and vile. Freddie Mercury said, "We want to shock and be outrageous" (Circus, April 1974). 

If you want to read the full vitriolic page, click here. 

I especially like how they don't get their facts right. A short list of errors I noticed right away include: Freddie's real name, the group's immoral agenda, implying that Freddie was a devout Zoroastrian as an adult (he was raised in the faith but didn't really practice as an adult--nor did he identify himself as a follower),  and so on.

Anyway, my next post will be a happier one. I just thought I'd share this page that I accidentally found several years ago.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Day 12: Freddie Mercury in a Comic Book!

Rock 'n' Roll Comics, a set of comics featuring rock bands and stars, was published by Revolutionary Comics. I ordered the Queen comic they issued from either a magazine or comic ad when I was a teen. I wrote to the publisher and told him how much I really enjoyed the comic.

I was surprised when I actually got a personalized response. The person who wrote me back was the founder of Revolutionary Comics' father. We ended up writing back and forth for many years (and we're friends on Facebook now after that initial exchange over 16 years ago!).

He sent me some of the company's Tipper Gore's Comics and Stories comics as well. Very good stuff.

Anyway, I've still got my Queen comic stashed away in my collection of Queen items.

Here is the cover of the comic:

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Day 11 of Mercury-Goodness

I have to say that I am happier during the times I'm posting about Freddie Mercury, so I suppose this is achieving the goal I set out for.

For today, we'll look at Freddie for a Day. I'm totally going to do this one of these days, hopefully this September when the MPT and FFAD are having a contest for the best costume and most original photo location. I need to get my outfit together though.

Anyway, it's a pretty fun concept. People get sponsors to pay them to dress as Freddie Mercury for a day. The money goes to the Mercury Phoenix Trust, which was founded to fund AIDS charities and research.

For your amusement though, I did take a few pics of myself with an eyeliner mustache and a white muscle t-shirt. I need a "real" fake mustache if I decide to go with a mustache Freddie. I haven't decided yet. There are just so many awesome Freddie looks to choose from!Feel free to crack up at how silly I look. This is not a proper Freddie attempt. I was bored back in February of this year, and I played around with my Freddie look.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Freddie Mercury Day 10- Quotes

Here are some various quotes from Freddie. He had a good sense of humor. :)

"I always knew I was a star And now, the rest of the world seems to agree with me."

"I won't be a rock star. I will be a legend."

This is one of my favorite stories, but unfortunately I've read about six or seven different versions online. I couldn't find the original site that I saw it on, but this version is found on Queen and The Sex Pistols were recording albums in London's West End when Sid Vicious wandered into the wrong studio to find Mercury alone at the piano." "Ah, Freddie Mercury, still bringing ballet to the massses are you?" hissed Vicious. "Oh yes, Mr Ferocious, dear," Mercury bit back. 'We are doing our best."

"I learned to fend for myself in boarding school. All the bullying- I had the odd schoolmaster chasing me. I was considered the arch poof."

“I'm just a musical prostitute, my dear.”

Monday, July 4, 2011


I think part of my problem as a writer of fiction is the fact that I don't usually sit down with the intent of writing a large passage. I tend to think and write in phrases, snippets (of both dialogue and exposition), and small scenes.

These pieces don't usually belong to any particular story that I'm working on. They just sort of pop in my head unbidden. Sometimes they are entirely random, it seems. Other times they are related to problems that have been on my mind at the time.

Today, for instance, I had this little snippet of dialogue pop into my head, "When you said you loved me, I should have run the other way...".

Generally scenes involving the "I love you" phrase in dialogue are romantically inclined or are heartfelt exchanges between family or friends. In this instance, the character is probably ruing the day she didn't heed the warning bells in her head when she heard this phrase from someone. Perhaps someone she had misgivings about or someone for whom the phrase "I love you" seemed out of character.

Maybe I can work it into a conversation in a story at some point. If not, it joins a large arsenal of snippets of writing I have yet to incorporate into projects.

Freddie Mercury Day Nine

I've been watching lots of Freddie Mercury videos, interviews, and special programs this past week or so. I found a series that had aired on the BBC on Saturday that was really sad. It is mainly about Kenny Everett, the British DJ and comedian, and his friendship with Freddie. It had lots of information about Freddie that I didn't know before watching it. Also, it introduced me to Kenny Everett, who I had only seen in a few video clips before; I never really knew who he was before.

Anyway, if you are interested in watching, here are all segments of the special:

Day Eight, Albeit a Day Late

I was out of town yesterday, so I didn't end up posting yesterday. Just means double duty today.

Today I am sharing a book that, to me, should have been marketed as a tongue-in-cheek comedy rather than as a serious book. I will say that I haven't read it, so maybe I'm being presumptuous and a bit of a snob to mock it. But just reading the premise of it makes me behave in such a fashion.

Here is the book cover and the synopsis:

On 24 November 1991 people all over the world mourned the untimely death of Freddie Mercury, lead singer of rock band Queen. But for the author, Mary Howis, her life would never be the same, as, from that day forward, she was aware of a strange presence around her; someone from the spirit world – the spirit that once was Freddie Mercury, known in the spirit world as ‘the Mercury Man’. Mary had been chosen for a special mission – to be an instrument for the spirit world, for Freddie, through which they could communicate. But why her? Why someone who, until the news reports of Freddie Mercury’s death, had never even heard of him? Mary tells the story of her spiritual journey of discovery from disbelief, self-doubt and denial to an absolute conviction that what she was experiencing was real, the messages she was receiving were true, and they were proof that life continues after death; that Freddie was still alive, in spirit form, and had much knowledge to impart to the world. Despite the ridicule she might face, Mary knew that she was destined to write this book, to tell her story – Freddie’s story – to the world, in the hope that it would bring comfort and hope to those who are suffering in their earthly bodies, who are grieving for loved ones, who are fearful of death. The message is clear: death is not the end, it is a new and exciting beginning.-

Which leads me to this video, which I've posted before. Still, I give this lady more credit than the author of the book mentioned above.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Mercury Rising
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire BlogThe Daily Show on Facebook

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Freddie Mercury Day Seven! Freddie in Pop Culture

Freddie has a pervasive reach into many niches of pop culture. Here are a few examples (there are many, many more, but I can't do an exhaustive list or I'll never get any work done!):

Cromartie High School- There is a mute character that another character nicknames Freddie. When you see him, you'll see why. Below are a pic and video.

The other characters also have a Bohemian Rhapsody style pic as well:

An east African isopod was named after Freddie: the Cirolana mercuryi. An isopod is a type of a crustacean.

Sol Badguy, from the Guilty Gear video game series, is inspired by/based partially on Freddie Mercury. The name Badguy is from Freddie Mercury's solo album, "Mr. Bad Guy". Sol has the word "free" on his belt (the Queen song "I Want to Break Free") and his headband says "Rock You" (from Queen's "We Will Rock You"). Sol's real name is Frederick, Freddie for short (although Freddie Mercury's real name was Farrokh Bulsara). Sol's favorite band is supposed to be Queen, just like his creator, Daisuke Ishiwatari.

Freddie and Queen have often been referenced in television programs. I have noticed this the most in programs on Fox for some reason. Below are a few clips from some shows with references.

Cracked Freddie Mercury feature

Day Six (a day late, albeit): Freddie Mercury, the Statue!

I so need to see this statue in person. It is located in Montreux,Switzerland. It is close to Mountain Studios, a recording studio that Queen used.

I would love to visit this region anyway, as it looks so beautiful.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

A Snippet of Fiction

Here's a small piece I came up with moments ago. It's heavily inspired by the irreverent and sarcastic style of British author Robert Rankin. Not on purpose, however. I sort of absorb the style and voice of authors I've been reading and/or listening to on books on CD. I recently re-listened to The Witches of Chiswick, Nostradamus Ate My Hamster, and Fandom of the Operator.

Here it goes:

What if, when you look in the mirror, you don’t like the person you see looking back at you? What if, on top of that, it’s always a different person looking back at you? And you don’t particularly care for any of them?
Aside from the fact that you’ve got a problem, I’d also say, “Hell, at least you’re not alone!” For I, too, have that problem.

Today, when I gazed upon the dreaded mirror (at a local pub, as I have removed all of the mirrors from my apartment), I saw a stone-cold bitch. She looked like she’d just as soon take a shit on my face as look at me. But she was looking at me. Which made me very uncomfortable.

The thing that was most unnerving about this bitch wasn’t just her look of absolute loathing that made me wish I’d never been born. No, it wasn’t that, though that look would put you in a right frightful mood all by itself. No, it was the fact that I’d seen her before!

Never before had I seen a repeated countenance gaze back at me. My first thought, well, second thought, right after, “Oh my good god, what the hell?!”, was this: “Maybe this is the real me.” If it was the real me, it would explain a hell of a lot of things. Things like, “Why don’t I have any friends?” and “Why does everyone I know think I’m pissed off all of the time?”

This was a bit of a conundrum for me. You see, I’ve never particularly cared for myself or my looks, even though I couldn’t really trust what my face actually looks like. It even changes in each picture that I’ve had taken of me (which I avoid just as much as I avoid mirrors).

Still, I could see my body, which I sort of trusted my eyes’ perception of, as I can feel it as well. Thick in the thighs, hips, and buttocks. Sort of narrow in the waist, but not as much as I’d like. No breasts to speak of really. On my good days I can fill an A cup, I suppose. And I didn’t like this at all.

But back to the damned mirror. I must’ve stood there like a stooge staring at it for quite some time. Finally another woman had to rudely nudge me to get my attention off of the ice queen that was staring daggers at me from the mirror.

“You look fine,” she whined plaintively as she bumped me with her bony hip. “Please move over and let me wash my hands. I’ll help you with your makeup if you’re worried about impressing someone. Just let me wash my damned hands!”

“Oh,” said I to her, stupidly. “But I don’t wear makeup.”

“You think I can’t see that for myself?” she sniped, walloping me with her hip again, albeit more forcefully.

If I weren’t so inebriated, I probably would’ve noticed that she was more messed up with the spirits than I was. She smelled faintly of vomit, and I recalled hearing some unsavory noises before she appeared at my side. However, my liquor addled brain didn’t put these things together to paint a bigger picture.

Did you know the spirits use computers?

As evidenced by (drum roll please!): online ouija boards. Not only can spirits be bothered to move an actual planchette in the physical realm, but they can also use a mouse to move a virtual planchette on a virtual ouija board. Spirits can be a wily sort though. I'm thinking they don't have much free time, what with all the hauntings, seance appearances, and ouija summonings they have to deal with. Doesn't make me envy them at all.

Click here to see the site with the virtual ouija board that I tried out a while back.

Good luck getting any kind of useful knowledge. My spirit(s) couldn't decide whether I was a friend or enemy; whether he/she/it was male or female; and whether or not I was worth even talking to at all.

And before you go sashaying out into the world of virtual spirit communication without a care, take a look at this etiquette page. (I broke a couple of no-nos right off the bat; for instance, never ask the spirits when you are going to die!. By the way, if I happen to die in the spring of any given year, the ouija spirit was right. Of course he/she has a 25% chance of being right on any year!)

Awesome Freddie Mercury Photo for Day Five!

This picture speaks for itself. Who else could rock a unitard and ballet slippers like this?!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Freddie Mercury: The Flower!

Did you know there is a rose called Freddie Mercury? Well, there is and has been for quite some time (I forget the exact date, but I think I was in high school or around then; so maybe 10-14 years or so).

Here is a photo of it:

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Day Three of Mercurial Awesomeness!

Okay, this is a post in Uncyclopedia about Freddie Mercury. It is pretty dang funny.

Uncyclopedia: Freddie Mercury

And you'd better damn well click it. But, in case you are too lazy to, here is an excerpt:

"Freddie Mercury or His Holy Greatness (Killer) Queen Frederick of Mercury and the Entire Universe of Everything Awesome (incarnated September 5, 1946), singer, front man, author, opera diva, boxing champion, bullfighter, taxidermist, bike racer, ballet dancer, and eventual deity, is best remembered today for his many international hits and for conquering the world. It is said that Freddie Mercury's voice can stop Humphrey Bogart in his tracks, and he is accepted as the greatest singer of all time, despite what those biased, hypocritical assholes at Rolling Stone wrote about him..."

Monday, June 27, 2011

Super Happy Fun Time Day Two: More Freddie Mercury!

Here is a cool video I found a while back. It is a speed painting of Freddie Mercury.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Time for Happiness: Freddie Mercury Style

I was trying to think of something that makes me happy. Then it dawned on me. It wasn't a thing that makes me happy, but rather a someone: (you've probably deduced this already) Freddie Mercury!

I'm going to try post an interesting Freddie Mercury related video, picture, or fact every day for a month. I may not get them all posted on precisely the day intended, but at the end I should have 30 Freddie Mercury posts in 30 days. We'll see.

So for the first day we have:

Old news, but I haven't heard any developments on it in a while. I'm not sure how I'll feel about the finished product, but since the other band members are involved it shouldn't be too bad.

Angry Time...Revisited

I was doing better for about a week. Then this past Thursday it came back with a vengeance. The anger. The fury. The self-righteous indignation (all right, you caught me, there was nothing righteous about it at all really).

But it was there. It is what it is. I can't keep on allowing myself to get so angry about things. Yet, I don't really know how to stop. It just sort of happens, the same way depression can cause a sudden unbidden crying spell. It's just that instead of crying it is fury or anger that occurs unbidden.

I don't like being an angry person. I don't really know that anyone does, but it really doesn't work for me. I try to be laid back about things in general. Anger doesn't mesh well with that.

Working out seems to help, but I can't exactly work out every time I get angry. I'd quickly get overtraining injuries. Hopefully I can think of something else that works as well.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Big Bottoms!

I've talked about it before. Hey, I even consulted with Dark Hater from the Hatterazi show about it. I'm talking about my butt. ;)

Well, I guess I'm talking about big butts in general. Most women fall into the category of what's popularly called either a pear shape or an apple shape (there are other oddly titled shapes, but the most common ones I see and hear talked about are these two). Even if a woman is pretty even and proportional (which is generally when she is in good shape without excess body fat), she may tend to put on fat in one of these "shapes".

I've talked about this with many women, and generally it seems we mostly have a "grass is always greener" type of attitude. For instance, I think apple shapes tend to be more attractive. I talked with a woman last week who has an apple shape, and she thinks that pear shaped women tend to photograph better and look smaller.

Anyway, back to big bottoms. I tend to have one. Even though I'm not overweight, I have a proportionally larger butt, hips, and thighs when compared to my upper body. And, as a toast to my fellow pear shaped women, I've compiled a few videos celebrating our most noticeable feature! Make the most of what you've got. :)

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Flash Fiction

When I mention flash fiction, most people don't know what I'm talking about. It's basically really short prose pieces. Some definitions state that the word limit is under 1000, while other definitions don't specify a word count. It's also sometimes called short-short fiction.

Anyway, I've written lots of flash fiction. I haven't written much lately, but in the past I really churned out "story snippets" as I then called them. I was happy to find out that I was far from alone in enjoying this writing format.

Below are a couple of flash fiction pieces that I've written.

"So, here we are."

"Yeah. I never would've thought that we'd be together like this again."

"Especially not here of all places."

We stood outside the little cafe where we'd had our first date over thirty years ago.

He had a little less hair and a little more gut. I was a little saggier and had gray roots. All in all we weren't too bad looking though.

"So, you want to come back to my place?" he asked.

"On a first date? What kind of girl do you take me for?"

Of course we both knew I was joking. Hell, we'd been married for ten years, then not for the next twenty.

"I'll follow you in my car."

Once we were back to his place we had a few drinks, reminisced, then went to bed. We had the kind of sex you'd expect from two slightly tipsy, middle-aged, exes: mediocre.

As I went to the bathroom afterward, I noticed stubble in the sink, dirty laundry overflowing from the hamper, and that the toilet seat was up.

I remembered then all the reasons it didn't work the first time and I added yet another relationship to our collection. Once friends, once husband and wife, once enemies, and now once, we were a one night stand.

written 4/17/08

Too Late

It’s too late. I’ve been philosophizing the merits and pitfalls of death. There are fears and hopes. Fears of leaving behind everything familiar, of the unknown, of passing the point of no return. Hopes of leaving all earthly concerns, of not having to worry about this mortal realm.

My thoughts are cut short by the pain though. I can barely breathe. My throat hurts, and my neck is raw and burning.

Somewhere between the thoughts of carrying my plan through and hearing the chair hit the floor, I realize it’s too late for second thoughts. I curse my braveness of acting in solitude. There would be no accidental intruders for some time yet. I wonder what they would think when they saw me, but again, my thoughts turn back to my pain. As I dangle from my noose, I realize it’s too late to wonder.

written in 2005

Monday, June 13, 2011

Grrrr.... and Other Angry Thoughts

I've been up and down with the moods quite a bit lately. Today has primarily been an anxious and angry day. A bit sad at times, but mostly angry and anxious (it bore repeating!).

The anger is coming about the same way as the depression and anxiety: unexpectedly and without the ability to shut it off right away. I try to work around it or through it. I'm writing about it right now to try to alleviate some of the feelings. I'm so terribly angry right now. Not at any one thing in particular. Circumstances. My own feelings of inadequacy. My vulnerabilities. Myself. My choices in life. My poor judgment and the fact that I've allowed people to use me sometimes.

I know it's not constructive, but just like with the depression, the mood is here and I have to actively fight it off. It's not going quietly into that good night.

Things have just been eating at me. To quote Nietzsche (which if you're my friend on Facebook, you'll see I've been doing plenty of times tonight): "For justice speaks thus to me: 'Men are not equal.'" Life isn't fair. People do horrible things to one another on a daily basis. I am by no means trying to pretend that I am innocent of this. And I get angry about that too. I hate my shortcomings. I hate my lapses of judgment. Hate and anger. Bad emotions that I am not fond of. I acknowledge that they are natural, but I do not readily embrace them. Maybe that is part of the problem.

I know that I usually don't work through things in my life that cause me pain. I just try to go on in the face of them. It may take days or even weeks to work through a situation. But on the other side of that situation I've rarely, if ever, made peace with what happened. I've gotten to the point where I can function, but I've just sort of boxed off the hurt and confusing emotions so that they can't readily get to me on a day-to-day basis. I guess I forget (for a time), but I don't really forgive.

Then, when something happens. I'm going to pull another Nietzsche quote here: "My past broke open its graves, many a pain buried alive awoke: they had only been sleeping, concealed in winding sheets."

So more or less something will open up the Pandora's box of trapped feelings and unresolved problems. Thus, setting me back into a deep depression and a sea of turbulent emotions. I guess that's how I've always dealt with things. (And it could be why I have anxious dreams featuring a cast of characters from my childhood up to the present, all of whom are generally upset/disappointed/unhappy with me for some reason or another. And the dreams of pursuing someone who avidly avoids me and runs away. And of losing someone or something precious and never being able to get it back.

I know I'm not the only depressed person in the world, not by a long shot. But when you are depressed you sure as hell feel alone.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Lowered Expectations

I remember the Lowered Expectations skit from Mad TV, and I always thought it was kind of funny. Lately, however, I feel like my life theme could be lowered expectations. I know I'm being a bit melodramatic and self pitying again. I know things could be worse. I know that everyone has setbacks and disappointments. I try to remind myself of this when I'm feeling down, but it doesn't lift my spirits; rather it makes me feel bad for complaining and because other people are suffering. I feel petty.

Still, as I try to put things together, I struggle with things that I have no control over. I can't change the fact that my daughters have autism. I can't change the fact that I've recently had relationship problems. I can't change the fact that my plans have been altered, thus my I've had to lower my expectations in some respects.

To complicate my optimistic goals of working past my problems, I can't control my emotions all of the time due to my depression and anxiety. I have been doing what I can to combat bad moods, but it is a struggle. I'm leery of trying any other medications because I've been through some tough times with meds this past year. I want to work through this rough spot, and I hope that I'll feel better soon. However, whenever I'm struggling through a deep depression or anxiety attack I waver. I lose hope. I feel lost and alone.

Trying to describe this to people who don't understand depression is difficult. They either seem to think you can choose not to "feel" depressed and all of the things that come with it, or they treat you like you are unstable and not to be trusted. That's an oversimplification, but I've run into both types of people lately. I know being around someone who is depressed is not fun. Believe it or not, I actually do try to keep it to myself and not affect the lives of those around me too much. I don't want to be seen as a burden. I don't want to bring others down.

At the same time, I want people to be there for me. For me it's a fine line between letting a friend be there for me and feeling like I'm being too needy or being a burden to them.

On a lighter topic, here is a Lowered Expectations clip from Mad TV. It's supposed to be Bjork if she were using the dating service. : )

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Life as Literature

As a writer (okay, so I haven't been getting much writing done lately, as I've been doing busy work to make money!), I often look at life as a source of material. I need to finish a long term writing project, rather than starting yet another one, but I just had an experience that inspired a passage.

For starters, this passage isn't totally true; I take a bit (sometimes a chunk would be a more accurate word) of real life and then go from there. Sometimes it turns out well, other times not so much. I think this one came out okay. If you disagree or have a comment feel free to share it with me.

Here goes:

She sat on the bed, arms wrapped around her calves, face resting against her bent knees. The only sounds I could hear were those of a wounded animal. She either didn’t notice or care that I was there, watching her exhibit the raw emotions only heartache and despair can cause.
“How long can a person do this?” I thought to myself as she let forth another low, guttural moan. It was punctuated by a sharp intake of breath, followed by a shuddering sob that again turned into the low moan. I wondered if I should try to comfort her. Would she welcome my touch or feel it was an intrusion into what was clearly a powerful experience for her.
I retreated from the room, hoping not to disturb whatever catharsis she may be achieving through her ritual of grief. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

A Better Title!

Looking at my past few blog posts has me consider a more accurate blog title. I'm not being very random or going off on very many tangents lately. Mayhaps a more accurate title would be something like "Musings of a Middle-Aged Emo" or "Look at Me-- I'm Depressed!".

I won't actually change the blog name, but I thought I'd touch on the subject of my less than uplifting posts lately. If my mom were here she could tell me to quit crying or she'd give me something to cry about! Ah, tough love. ;) It never went over all that well with me, but it is funny in retrospect.

Ups and Downs

Throughout the day I vacillate between being stoked about taking control of my life and kicking it's ass to being filled with despair at the thought of going forward. Sometimes, for the sake of variety, I throw some anger and indignation in the mix.

I'm really tired of this. Every few months I seem to have a cycle like this (or some other emotional upheaval that I feel inadequate to deal with). I feel like I'm not in control of my emotions sometimes. I feel like a prisoner to my body and it's whimsies. (If you can't tell, I'm a bit prone to melodramatic statements; that makes my feeling of them no less true though)

I am so tired and weary of these cycles. I've tried medicines, with some varying success and failure. I'd love to have counseling/therapy, but there's no way I can afford it. I'm not sure how to come out of this mess on top.

Working out and controlling my diet seem to give me some feeling of power over my life and bring me some joy. Otherwise I feel like everything is just crashing in on me. I do what I can, and when I'm optimistic I hope for the best. When I'm pessimistic I'm just sure that I'll endure somehow, regardless of what shape I might be in at the end.

I need to quit putting myself in situations that will only further complicate things. My way of dealing with problems (if it's one I can't solve in a reasonable amount of time) is generally to distract myself from the problem at hand with something else. I can't easily forgive or forget. That goes for me as well as others.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Bored and Unfocused

I've been having lots of trouble concentrating and focusing on things lately, mostly due to emotional issues. I feel like a big baby for complaining, moping, and being so caught up in my bad moods, anxiety, and depression. Life goes on whether or not I want it to.

The girls are out of school for the summer, and I always have trouble trying to entertain them during our long, unoccupied days. Which in turn gives me more time to get down about things. I have less time to get work done without interruptions and less time to work out (which is a big stress reliever for me).

I feel guilty complaining that I have less time for things because the girls are home from school, but honestly many things are difficult to do with the girls home all day. Running errands, shopping, and doing anything that involves going somewhere are limited, if not impossible to do if I am the only one here with the girls.

I am going to try to focus on doing structured activities with them part of the day, then working part of the day, then taking care of their needs/house work the rest of the time. Easier said than done, as I'm very laid back as far as schedules are concerned. Still, I think that would probably be the best for all concerned.

Hopefully this will keep me busy and keep my mind off of less appealing topics. Probably not though, as I tend to gravitate to unhappy things. If I could harness that into something productive I'd have it made!

Monday, May 30, 2011

In the End We're All Alone

Not trying to be gloomy or melodramatic with that title. I've just been thinking a lot about how when it comes down to it, our decisions, our lives, our mistakes are all our own as individuals. We can help one another, share experiences with one another, but in the end we are by ourselves.

When we die we'll be alone. Even if we die alongside others who die, we'll still be just our own being dying alone. What happens next I don't profess to know. I'm agnostic, so for me the jury is still out, so to speak. But unless we merge with others in some sort of collective consciousness we are still by ourselves.

I'm really not in a morbid mood or anything like that. I'm just stepping back and getting a different perspective that I've thought of before but never really dwelt upon. I don't like the idea of forever being alone.

I have kids, but I can't always be there for them. I can't always protect them, share their joys and fears. They can't always be there for me or comfort me. We are together at this point in life's journey, but who knows what the future holds.

Friends that I've cherished and held dear in the past are virtual strangers to me now. Past lovers who once meant the world to me are off of my radar completely, as I am for them.

How our world can get so wrapped up in one person or one activity is a bit breathtaking, especially when not too far in the future we have little to no contact with that person or those activities. What is the point? What does it all mean, really?

I don't think I'm any closer to those answers, but I have a better appreciation of why I need to get along with myself better. I'm the only one that's always going to be here for me in the end.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Things That Might've Been...

I often get caught up in thinking what might have been. Generally these are sad or melancholy thoughts. I don't typically look back and think to myself, "Man, I nailed that! Wouldn't change a single thing I did in that situation." I don't really think others do this sort of reflection either. I suppose maybe if you did something really awesome you might, but still...

Having children with autism, I've become very acquainted with "what might have been". Essentially from the time I realized something was wrong and that I couldn't "fix" it, I've been re-imagining how life will be. And that often leads to what might have been. It also leads to what-ifs. What if I could just take my kids on a simple trip to the grocery store by myself without worrying that one of them will have a major meltdown? Or what if they wouldn't refuse to get out of the car, without me literally grabbing them by the feet and having to pull them out while they fight me all the way.

What if I didn't have to monitor them in the bathroom and clean up after them like they were much younger children? What if I didn't dread each night's bedtime not knowing if they'll go to sleep at 10 pm or 4 am? What if I didn't have to worry about them hurting themselves while doing the simplest of things like getting in the car, being around kitchen appliances, or being around common household cleaners?

What if we could do "normal" activities like dance lessons, sports, or having friends over? What if I could just hire and trust a regular babysitter without worrying about my daughters freaking that person out or being miserable because the person has no idea what they want? Or better yet, what if I could leave them home unattended for 30 minutes by themselves? (they turn 13 next month)

I get caught up on these things because living in the present with the stress, confusion, depression, and weariness is hard. So hard sometimes that I just think about what could've been or what might be.

What might be is even more painful than what if, especially as the girls get older. Will I be able to care for them as teenagers and adults? Will they be treated with kindness and respect at a living center if I find I can't take care of them? Will they be abused or neglected because the perpetrator knows the girls can't communicate what has happened to them? Will the girls think I've abandoned them if they no longer live with me?

 These are among the many things I think of on a daily basis. Then there is my life outside of my children. I don't have much of one, and every time I try to it seems to disintegrate rapidly. I am working out again, which not only provides stress relief, but also provides something positive to focus on. I'm trying to get my writing productivity up, but by the time I make enough money with freelance work I'm tired of working and feel unmotivated and uninspired to work on my fiction projects.

And there is heartache. I've become very cynical and hardened against romance over the past four years, as I've had lots of stressful failed relationships. Is it me, I wonder? How much of a factor do my children play a role in this? I'm not looking for a father figure for my children. I'm just looking for an adult that I can relate to and have an affectionate relationship with. Sometimes this seems like I must be asking for too much. Because I just can't seem to swing it. And getting over a broken heart sucks, no matter what. But when you have two high maintenance children to care for it really sucks because they don't understand that I'm sad or what that means. If they see me cry, no matter what the reason, they either ignore me or just stare at me confusedly. Or, as Celest likes to do, stare at me then start laughing like my tears are the funniest thing she's seen in ages.

This makes me feel like giving up on romantic relationships. I just don't feel like I have the energy. Is the reward worth the risk of the pain that comes when it falls apart? Right now I'm leaning towards no. But that's because I'm in the midst of a relationship problem. Give me a few months to heal somewhat and get really lonely and who knows? I might have willingly forgot how much it sucks.

Just another set of what if's and what might have been's for my collection at this point.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Ah, the Products of Angst!

I've been in one of my super anxiety ridden states lately, which is always fun. One of the many fun things about being a hyped up, angst driven person is the truly crappy poems and free form writings the state inspires me to create.

I also get lots of bizarre ideas about things I want to do. My angst has a traveling companion oftentimes. Its name is mania. My manic thoughts want me to deal with my insecurity and anxiety by doing things I wouldn't normally do. Some of my latest winning ideas include:
  • going on a ride-along with a patrol cop
  • signing up with the county coroner's office to watch an autopsy as research for a writing project
  • going to an open mic night for poetry and (fingers crossed!) flash fiction reading (I'd much rather read some of my flash fiction than my poetry)
My angsty poem is so bad I will spare any blog readers the horror of reading it. I will tell you what it's about though, so you can see why I decided not to post it. It's about an anxious and insecure person continually checking his/her email hoping to hear from a special someone; that special someone doesn't respond, so the anxious person speculates about what could possibly keep this other person from sending an email back. I may have been my own inspiration for this poem. I did take some license to exaggerate a bit though.

Writing seems to be helping my anxiety, so I suppose I'm off to create more poorly written poetry.