Tuesday, July 19, 2011

A Freddie Mercury Intermission: Bad Moods

I've fallen behind a bit on my Freddie Mercury blogging goal; I intend to remedy this within the next couple of days. In the mean time, if you really hate reading/listening to people bitch and complain, stop reading here.

I'm sick and tired of having so many ups and downs. For a bit of each day I will feel fine (or my version of fine, which is not really "fine" at all if you go by the definition). Then the following feelings will come in no particular order: anxiety, sadness, a deeper sadness, anger, annoyance, irritability and worthlessness. Potentially a mild panic attack may also occur.

Some days are better than others, of course, with more time spent feeling "fine". Certain weekdays are particularly bad for me. I don't know why with any certainty. But look out for extra online bitching and whining on Thursdays and Fridays.

I'm so tired of it. It's making my OCD worse. By that I don't mean washing my hands or checking locks obsessively. I mean dark, hurtful imagery that pops into my mind unbidden. And repeatedly. Very disturbing images. If you've experienced it you'll know what I mean. If you haven't you might think I'm either a freak or an extra big whiner. (I mean if it's not a gaping wound or horrid disease I should just shut up and quit complaining right?!)

The past few months have been extra stressful for me. I am trying to work through my issues, but I know that I haven't been doing it in the best possible way. It's hard when I feel like I can't rely on myself to have my own best interests at heart.

I get angry and I want to lash out at those who are close to me, particularly if I feel that they have contributed to my stress. All that accomplishes is alienating myself, hating myself for feeling petty/vengeful, and causing those close to me stress and/or grief. I'm sick of it.

However, if I try to hold it in or ignore it, it boils over and eats at me from the inside. I've tried talking to those I'm angry with, and while I might feel better while talking to them there is no real resolution to my issues. I wish I could just walk away from everything, but that's not possible.

I think most of all I am angry and disappointed in myself. I like to think of myself as a nice and understanding person, but my actions don't always measure up to that. That only furthers my feelings of self loathing and worthlessness.

I know I'm not the only one with problems, both emotional and otherwise, but that doesn't diminish my daily struggle. Sure, I appreciate that things could be worse. But does that mean that my problems are nothing? People tell me to think of the good things I have going for me, but that doesn't negate the problems I have. I know they mean well and want me to be happy, but I also feel like they are just tired of hearing me complain. They just want me to be happy. Honestly, I don't know how to just be happy. I don't know that it is that simple.

Not to say that I don't have happy times, because I do. They are just interspersed between lots of negative feelings. The cycles of feelings are what exhaust me so much. I just want to be content. To hell with happy. I'll leave that for when I've been content long enough to slide into boredom. (Don't want to aim too high!)

I really feel like doing mean and angry things right now. I want to piss people off. I want to make them hurt. I'm tired of taking everything to heart when others can just walk away from a situation and carry on like nothing happened (well, I know that isn't totally true, but I seem to have more trouble letting go than others do; not their fault, but they don't always take my feelings into account when doing shit that affects me).

I'm just tired of it. I wish I could just not care. I don't want to care any more. It hasn't gotten me much thus far. I'm just not like that. Yet. I feel myself becoming more apathetic and detached at times. I know that's not a healthy goal, but I'm sick of emotional pain. I'm sick of being sick of it.

If you've survived this far into my emotionally immature rant, thanks (I guess; maybe I'm sorry would be more appropriate).

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