Ups and Downs

Throughout the day I vacillate between being stoked about taking control of my life and kicking it's ass to being filled with despair at the thought of going forward. Sometimes, for the sake of variety, I throw some anger and indignation in the mix.

I'm really tired of this. Every few months I seem to have a cycle like this (or some other emotional upheaval that I feel inadequate to deal with). I feel like I'm not in control of my emotions sometimes. I feel like a prisoner to my body and it's whimsies. (If you can't tell, I'm a bit prone to melodramatic statements; that makes my feeling of them no less true though)

I am so tired and weary of these cycles. I've tried medicines, with some varying success and failure. I'd love to have counseling/therapy, but there's no way I can afford it. I'm not sure how to come out of this mess on top.

Working out and controlling my diet seem to give me some feeling of power over my life and bring me some joy. Otherwise I feel like everything is just crashing in on me. I do what I can, and when I'm optimistic I hope for the best. When I'm pessimistic I'm just sure that I'll endure somehow, regardless of what shape I might be in at the end.

I need to quit putting myself in situations that will only further complicate things. My way of dealing with problems (if it's one I can't solve in a reasonable amount of time) is generally to distract myself from the problem at hand with something else. I can't easily forgive or forget. That goes for me as well as others.