Monday, June 13, 2011

Grrrr.... and Other Angry Thoughts

I've been up and down with the moods quite a bit lately. Today has primarily been an anxious and angry day. A bit sad at times, but mostly angry and anxious (it bore repeating!).

The anger is coming about the same way as the depression and anxiety: unexpectedly and without the ability to shut it off right away. I try to work around it or through it. I'm writing about it right now to try to alleviate some of the feelings. I'm so terribly angry right now. Not at any one thing in particular. Circumstances. My own feelings of inadequacy. My vulnerabilities. Myself. My choices in life. My poor judgment and the fact that I've allowed people to use me sometimes.

I know it's not constructive, but just like with the depression, the mood is here and I have to actively fight it off. It's not going quietly into that good night.

Things have just been eating at me. To quote Nietzsche (which if you're my friend on Facebook, you'll see I've been doing plenty of times tonight): "For justice speaks thus to me: 'Men are not equal.'" Life isn't fair. People do horrible things to one another on a daily basis. I am by no means trying to pretend that I am innocent of this. And I get angry about that too. I hate my shortcomings. I hate my lapses of judgment. Hate and anger. Bad emotions that I am not fond of. I acknowledge that they are natural, but I do not readily embrace them. Maybe that is part of the problem.

I know that I usually don't work through things in my life that cause me pain. I just try to go on in the face of them. It may take days or even weeks to work through a situation. But on the other side of that situation I've rarely, if ever, made peace with what happened. I've gotten to the point where I can function, but I've just sort of boxed off the hurt and confusing emotions so that they can't readily get to me on a day-to-day basis. I guess I forget (for a time), but I don't really forgive.

Then, when something happens. I'm going to pull another Nietzsche quote here: "My past broke open its graves, many a pain buried alive awoke: they had only been sleeping, concealed in winding sheets."

So more or less something will open up the Pandora's box of trapped feelings and unresolved problems. Thus, setting me back into a deep depression and a sea of turbulent emotions. I guess that's how I've always dealt with things. (And it could be why I have anxious dreams featuring a cast of characters from my childhood up to the present, all of whom are generally upset/disappointed/unhappy with me for some reason or another. And the dreams of pursuing someone who avidly avoids me and runs away. And of losing someone or something precious and never being able to get it back.

I know I'm not the only depressed person in the world, not by a long shot. But when you are depressed you sure as hell feel alone.

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