I remember the Lowered Expectations skit from Mad TV, and I always thought it was kind of funny. Lately, however, I feel like my life theme could be lowered expectations. I know I'm being a bit melodramatic and self pitying again. I know things could be worse. I know that everyone has setbacks and disappointments. I try to remind myself of this when I'm feeling down, but it doesn't lift my spirits; rather it makes me feel bad for complaining and because other people are suffering. I feel petty.
Still, as I try to put things together, I struggle with things that I have no control over. I can't change the fact that my daughters have autism. I can't change the fact that I've recently had relationship problems. I can't change the fact that my plans have been altered, thus my I've had to lower my expectations in some respects.
To complicate my optimistic goals of working past my problems, I can't control my emotions all of the time due to my depression and anxiety. I have been doing what I can to combat bad moods, but it is a struggle. I'm leery of trying any other medications because I've been through some tough times with meds this past year. I want to work through this rough spot, and I hope that I'll feel better soon. However, whenever I'm struggling through a deep depression or anxiety attack I waver. I lose hope. I feel lost and alone.
Trying to describe this to people who don't understand depression is difficult. They either seem to think you can choose not to "feel" depressed and all of the things that come with it, or they treat you like you are unstable and not to be trusted. That's an oversimplification, but I've run into both types of people lately. I know being around someone who is depressed is not fun. Believe it or not, I actually do try to keep it to myself and not affect the lives of those around me too much. I don't want to be seen as a burden. I don't want to bring others down.
At the same time, I want people to be there for me. For me it's a fine line between letting a friend be there for me and feeling like I'm being too needy or being a burden to them.
On a lighter topic, here is a Lowered Expectations clip from Mad TV. It's supposed to be Bjork if she were using the dating service. : )
Dear Rene Angelil
2 years ago