Fumbling

I've been trying to get a schedule put together for myself, as I tend to waste lots of time if I don't plot out my day in advance. At the moment, I find myself sitting with my laptop trying to conjure words to write. I am having quite a bit of difficulty, so I decided to blog rather than work on fiction at the moment.

As anyone who knows me or who reads this blog knows, I'm a very pessimistic and depressive sort of person. It is just naturally how my mood, thoughts, and personality tend to drift. I try to counter it with positive thinking when I am less stressed out by life.

However, at times like the past few weeks, the thought of staying positive or, heaven forbid, having an "attitude of gratitude" makes me want to punch someone in the face. I have trouble keeping focused on optimistic, self help type mantras, as they feel very cheesy and counter to my personality.

I know that I am mainly the one suffering from my depression and fixation on all things shitty in life, but I also know that it affects my family and close friends. Still, I can't quite get over my moods and myself. I am trying to do things that make me feel good about myself, mainly exercising and eating right, but it just isn't enough.

I remember shit that has happened that really upsets me. I internally rail at the horrible injustices of the world. I get filled with self-righteous indignation. I wish I were happy and optimistic, but then I just say, "What the hell is the point?"

For me, at least in this phase of my life, religion isn't an answer. It feels like a fake concept meant to explain all of the awful things that happen in life. A shining beacon to reach for because without it we all just live and die; the good are not rewarded, the bad not punished. There is no spiritual justice without it.

But I can't get over the lack of logic, the improbability, and the faith necessary. I don't have it in me. I don't know if I really want to. At times it is certainly tempting. And I'm not trying to demean what it is for other people; I'm merely stating how it appears to me at this point in time.

I think most people have been dealt some really awful things in life that they did nothing to deserve. And I think most people have also made some awful decisions to bring additional problems to their lives. Still, overall, it doesn't seem fair. I know life isn't fair. But what is life? What is the point if we are here for a brief ephemeral existence that ends in a finality of eternal nothingness?

On a different topic, I feel like I base my long term goals and actions around the needs of others. What do I really want? And why do I feel selfish for wanting to pursue things that are strictly for me? Why do I feel like I shouldn't put so much time and energy into exercise and eating right because I should be more focused on the people in my life, particularly my children?

I feel like there isn't enough me left for me. I feel like I try to please other people and be there for them, but that there isn't really much me left over at the end. And I feel guilty for thinking this. Why should I have things just for me? What is the point other than selfishness? But without interests and time for me I won't have anything to give to others.

I'm just tired of struggling with life. I am exhausted both mentally and physically. I feel done.

Why Can't We Be Friends?

I've never fully understood or appreciated the relationships between women. There is so much jealousy, rivalry, and absolute hatred lurking in these relationships.

I've never been a girly girl, and I've always had more male friends than female friends. I don't purposely seek out male friends, but I tend to make them more easily than same sex friendships. I often feel like I'm on a different wave length than women.

I have noticed both in my personal experience and in studies on female relationships, that women tend to choose friends that are of similar attractiveness or friends that they perceive as less attractive than themselves.

I've even had friends tell me that they don't mind if their boyfriend/husband has a "fat" female friend. Obviously they perceive a "fat" woman as less attractive and therefore not a threat.

In college, I was in a class of only about five women, counting myself. By popular consensus, we seemed to fall into the following categories: two "attractive" women, a fat woman, and two "butterfaces". That's cruel and snarky, I know, but since I was friends with guys I heard these things. But more than that I sensed them among the females. I was very shy and suffering from postpartum depression, so I didn't really try to make friends. Neither did my female classmates reach out to me. But they were all friends with one another: the "attractive" one, the "fat" one, and the two "butterfaces" (I feel horrible even writing these terms, but it is not my opinion; it is germane to my story as I use the phrases to illustrate the point). Notice that the attractive female didn't want to befriend me, but she did go out of her way to befriend the other females.

The only time she talked to me really was to offer me a backhanded compliment: "Did you get a job?" "Yeah," I responded. "I noticed you were dressing nicer." Ouch. What a bitch thing to say.

Why do we, as women, do this shit to one another? Like we don't have enough neuroses of our own to contend with, we pile more shit on one another by being catty bitches. I'll admit I'm guilty of this crap. Mainly when I was a teenager. As I entered adulthood and realized what I was doing I began to reign it in. I'll admit I still have snarky thoughts, but I think about them and realize how stupid they are. I no longer act on them.

Here are some interesting studies about women and how they interact with other women:

Attractiveness and Friendship Rivalries

Women more critical of other women at different times during the ovulation cycle

Appearance anxiety and female subordination

This one isn't a study, but rather a book looking at women's rivalry: Tripping the Prom Queen

I've heard and seen so many women get catty and snarky with one another for no good reason. And I've experienced women flirting with and/or trying to make a move on my significant other right in front of me just to be bitches. What is most frustrating about this is that guys seem oblivious to it and will say that I'm just "jealous" or "being a bitch" when I mention it. Women know that guys love having their egos (as well as other things) stroked and know that most guys eat it up whether or not they are committed.

To me, this is one of the most blatantly bitchy things to do. It pisses me off at the woman for both myself and for her. Why does she feel the need to use her sexuality to feel better about herself? Why does she feel the need to upset other women or put other women down to feed her self esteem?

Another huge issue is body image. I've had women tell me they "hate" me because "I'm skinny". First of all, I'm not skinny. I exercise to feel good, be healthy, and to get muscular. To me, "skinny" is an insult. I bust my ass to gain muscle, not get thin. Second of all, why say you hate me? Do you know how rude and insensitive I'd have to be to walk up to someone I've just met and say, "I hate you." And when they ask why I respond, "Because you're fat." How hurtful, disrespectful, and cruel is that? Well, it's the same when you do it to me and say it's because I'm skinny.

I've suffered from body image issues since the age of 11, and I've gone through phases of binging and purging, starving myself, and over exercising. I'm fragile, I'll admit it. So if you call me fat OR skinny I'm going to be upset and it may trigger issues later on for me.

Anyway, the point of all this rambling is that women need to stop this stupid shit. We should be there for one another. Or, if that's too much, just leave one another the hell alone if all we are going to do is tear one another down.

Bedtime

Personally, I love sleep. I think maybe there is something wrong with me because of how I can sleep just about all of the time. I could sleep all night (not that I do that every night, due to interruptions from the kids or my stupid IBS causing me issues) and then sleep most of the day. Happily. Sure, once I've finally sated my sleep lust (usually somewhere over the 12 hour marker--achieved via multiple sleep sessions) I feel like a wasteful loser that has accomplished nothing. Still, I love me some sleep.

My kids, on the other hand, do not have my affinity for slumber. I didn't as a kid either, but now as an adult I see the error of my ways. How can you not love sleep?!

However, with their autism-related sleep issues they've had extreme insomnia at times. Even with the aid of sleeping medications. We've tried ambien, melatonin, espom salt cream, benadryl (under a doctor's advice!), clonidine, klonipin, diazepam, vistaril, and some others I can't remember the names of. We are currently using clonidine and hydroxyzine (a prescription antihistamine). It seems to work most of the time, though it still can take 2-3 hours for them to fall asleep. This is much better than taking 6-8 hours or more to fall asleep (if at all). There have been several nights when they never fell asleep.

They just don't want to go to sleep. They actively fight it. Sometimes if they sense that a medicine is making them drowsy they will use all of their will power to fight it off. Even if that means hitting themselves or doing bed acrobatics.

I sorely wish that I could lend them some of my sleepiness. Especially right now. I have a feeling it's going to be a long, long night.