My doctor and I have been fiddling with my medication to try to get better results. However, the current state I'm in is not so good. I've had mild to moderate panic attacks, constant low to medium anxiety, and super-energetic, motor mouth spells for the past several days.
The past couple of weeks I had a constant, low level anxiety and jitteriness. I feel like something bad or nerve-wracking is going to happen, but I know that I'm not expecting anything like that to happen. It's a similar feeling to when I had to give speeches and I anxiously anticipated getting in front of the crowd to talk.
Except at least then I knew why I was nervous and it went away after the speech was underway.
I'm also annoyed by the number of well intentioned people who tell me I don't really need medication. I'd be fine without it, they assure me. I know they are only trying to help, but it's frustrating when people think that mental illnesses aren't real. Depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and other mental conditions are real. They shouldn't be relegated to hushed conversations and shameful, embarrassed discussions. If you are diabetic, are you ashamed to let people know? If you have a heart condition, do you try to avoid discussing it for fear of scorn or embarrassment? If you do, you shouldn't. However, most of the time physical ailments (probably with the exception of STDs and juvenile teasing about glasses, braces, etc.) aren't a source of ridicule and shame. As it should be.
However, mention mental illness and everybody gets uncomfortable. They either think/act like it isn't reall, get embarrassed, clam up, or some other non-productive action.
If I could just "not think like this" or "get over it" because it's all in my head, don't you think I would have by now? Contrary to what some think, I don't enjoy being depressed, anxious, irritable, and miserable. Unless there is a reason for these emotions (due to the regular stress and disappointments of life), I often don't have control over my emotions. They tend towards dark, depressing feelings. They happen out of the blue sometimes.
Imagine not knowing when or why the next time you are going to start sobbing uncontrollably would be like. Imagine having furious rages for no good reason, or becoming ridiculously irritable over every little thing.
That's what life without medication is like for me. And many other people as well.
I don't want pity or any stupid thing like that. I'd just appreciate not being treated like I'm a melodramatic crybaby because I refuse to "act normal" or "get over" things. See if a diabetic person can just get their insulin production under control and stop "whining" about all their diabetic pains and problems. Tell the person with clogged arteries that they did it to themselves, so they just need to deal with it and quit having chest pains. It makes just as much sense as a person with a mental illness to "act normal" or quit moping around.
You can believe it or not, but until you've been in a similar state of mind for months or years you won't truly know.
At least venting has eaten up a little bit of my anxiety and I am actually starting to feel sleepy. Hopefully slumber will arrive soon. Goodnight...
